Sighs~

"The clock is ticking..." I suddenly feel the emptiness in me over the last few years.

Indeed it has been some years since I was in a relationship. Perhaps I have become so used to being single that I already forgot how to fall in love again. Or maybe I am just not that "lovable" to the guys.

I hang out with guy friends on one-to-one basis (Would that constitute a "date"?). Let's say we classify them as dates. How come no date turn out fruitful? Don't tell me I scare them off? Or I am too good a buddy to be a gf? I really wonder what are the guys' opinion of me.

As the phrase goes "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", I would love to know what is the impression I gave to the guys.

P.S. I'm still a woman who yearns to be loved, and to have the capability to love someone.

All "Right"

Which of the following situation do you think is the worst to be in?

1. 在对的时间遇到对的人 Meet the right person at the right time
2. 在对的时间遇到错的人Meet the wrong person at the right time
3. 在错的时间遇到对的人Meet the right person at the wrong time
4. 在错的时间遇到错的人Meet the wrong person at the wrong time

My answer: Case 3 is the worst. I think it's the saddest case, because the right person may leave by the time it's the right time.

My next best answer: Case 2. Because you can still choose to reject the person. It's not as bad as Case 3.

These were part of a discussion I had with a friend @ Tanjong Rhu. A deep understanding of love from the friend who made nice Latte with Baileys and Whiskey for me at his place.

P.S. I hope this is not a divulgence of any secret of my friend.

Slumdog Millionaire

The movie was not bad with interesting flashbacks. Nice scenes of India (though I think it's still last on my priority list at the moment). A good attempt at an "India film" by an American director (he's American?! never really care about getting my facts right). The last part of dancing is quite cute..."at least it's not in the middle". If not, it would have been too deliberate. I love the last part where Salim dies in a pool of money (I know it's sad that he has to die to let Latika go), while his brother Jamal wins Rs. 20 mil in the gameshow - "Who wants to be a millonaire?".

Los Amantes del Circulo Polar

I'm really glad that I went for the movie at Arts House. Despite going alone and without a ticket, I managed to get last minute ticket to watch the movie in the end.

The movie is about Ana and Otto (both names are palindromes). They met at the gate outside the school when they were eight. They began a complicated, but secret and passionate relationship. Is all about cycles and the coincidences in life. Es un ciclo y son casualidades en la vida. They broke up somehow, and found themselves both in Finland, where the Polar Circle is. Yet, just as nothing last in the world (mentioned in the beginning of the movie), love between Ana and Otto didn't last forever. Ana was killed in a fatal accident in the end. A very sad ending.

P.S. Nothing is forever. Treasure what you have now.

Monday Blues

I am certainly not looking forward to tomorrow. Although my boss won't be back on Monday, I hate to go back and see that flowers on my desk. I really need to find a way to throw them away. The sender of the flowers doesn't seem to understand the meaning of "bucked off". I believe I have indicated my stand very clearly but he doesn't seem to be giving up too easily. Haiz~ It's getting a little too much for me... I don't think I really like to go back to work on Monday... it's super blue even before it's here.

Tickets To Spanish Film Festival...

I really would rather spend my time at the arts house watching the Spanish Film Festival than staying whole all day doing nothing. I can only blame myself for booking the tickets too late. Now the only choice is to go on the day itself to check out any extra tickets are available. I hate waiting without knowing the end results...

Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot these days. I don't know how to describe that feeling. Nor do I know who can I share with. I could only blog them now. Luckily, I found one distraction that keeps me thinking. That only reason that motivates me every day is: "Boys Before Flower" (Korean version of "Meteor Garden").

I was looking forward to my first step of moving on. However, when I fail that first barrier, I wasn't extremely upset. I knew if a score of 10, I would have only obtain 3. I failed badly.

Instead, I think at least I took the first step that kept me thinking why I am still in this s***. I have been lucky all these while meeting the "right" people who gave me many opportunities. It took me 5 years to realise I should give it a try in another arena. Then I realised I might not be suitable. I am like a fish who should swim back to the water, where I am more comfortable in. Even though I may not have the ability to return to where I was but I know deep down in my heart I really want to go back to where my passion lies.

Is it too late?

I have absolutely no idea. I won't know the future, I can't care about the past. I only have the present with me.

I remember there was a friend, the one who I was fated to meet twice and who seems to know me better. She said: "You are certainly those who like to keep most things to yourself." That's true. I don't know how to share those innermost feelings with others. Then again I realised maybe I was never as good as interacting with others as it seems.

I also want to find someone who can share my joy and sadness.

However, it's always the wrong guy who approached. The right guy rather leave me alone.

P.S. Life....filled with all sort of thoughts that don't make sense to correlate yet when you want to vent those frustrations you just simply throw out whatever you have in mind...

Boys Before Flower

"Boys Before Flower" is the Korean version of "Meteor Garden". I'm so addicted to this korean drama these days. In fact, I prefer this version as compared to the Taiwanese one. As I watched the show, I realised how Vday is drawing near...

I loved the some of these scenes:

1. GJP brought Jan Di to a beautiful, white sandy beach. There was nobody there except for a table filled with fruits and drinks.

2. GJP has designed and get a necklace handmade. The shape of the necklace is a moon inside a star. GJP is the star; Jan Di is the moon. GJP will always hold on to the moon, and never leave the moon.

I am not a greedy person, but I would be satisfied with the following:

1. Both of us drinking champagne at a white sandy beach along the waters. How nice would it be? The waters, the sand, the company, etc.

2. I would glad to receive a meaningful necklace. I don't exactly expect it to be handmade or designed. It may not necessary be the one and only, but it's the thought that matters.

There are more scenes in the show that I simply love. I can't wait for episode 13 to be out now....

Wonder what life will be after the show ends for me...

Courage To Face The Reality...

I finally took up the courage and went for my blood test. I knew from the face of the doctor that he really likes to prove me wrong in the beginning, and then he realised he really wanted to believe me in the next second. Even though he tried to convince me that it is not the worst yet till the test comes, I knew from his face that he really want to give me that boost of hope.

I bravely went online to search for the word I fear most now. The symptoms said it all. I knew I had to face the music no matter how much it isn't true. It may be true as the doctor said it depends on the results and he'll then know the treatment. Well, I knew it too well. It's only a matter of how much I would be getting in this case.

Fear not. I need to have the courage to face the reality, face the road in front of me...

Reaching quarter of a century...

It's been a while since I last blog. I doubt any friends of mine are reading this blog these days due to the inactivity.

2009: Expect to be a year of hard work.

Career:

Yet I've hope to leave the company soon. That's one of my resolution. I will soon be one step closer to fulfiling my resolution. Wish me good luck. Of course, there will rounds more to go if I clear the first barrier. Even if I go through all rounds, I will have to decide for myself if this is what I want.

Relationship:

No way for 'office relationship'. However, my prince charming has not even appear at workplace. I still believe in having guys taking on a more proactive approach but I really hate to lose a friend when a guy (whom I see as impossible candidate) declares his love (or rather liking) towards me.

P.S. The guy whom I like never put in effort to approach, while the wrong guy always take the approach.

Finance:

Time to work hard to earn more money. Yet I do not wish to lose the real meaning of life by working too much for $$$.

Social:

As usual, I hope to be traveling once in a while to get out of this terrible lifestyle of simply working. Next location on the map: Manila. I am planning to visit a Peruvian friend of mine, who is currently working there. At the moment, everyone around me is telling me how dangerous it is to go there. I guess the trip will be my next solo trip again. Adventure begins sometime after April...

In Remembrance Of A Friend

We met at IMF. He gave me the impression of a very nice boy. When I talked to him, I realised he is very mature. Perhaps that makes him a little different from his peers of his same age. Then he was only 19. I still remembered we were discussing about university, and he mentioned that he wanted to get into an university after graduating from poly.

After two years, he indeed was offered a place in SMU to study business management (exactly the same course as me). Probably he has taken into considerations of what I've told him.

He nearly could be my junior if god didn't take him away...

On that very day, he bought his new motorcycle. That was two weeks after he obtained his bike license. It was also the day he met a fatal accident, and left this world. He could have such a bright future. He really has achieved his dreams to get into university and he did it. However, god decided to take him away at the same time.

It may be a brief encounter between him and me but I will remember this friend I made forever.

My friend, you will be remembered. I will remembered how motivated you were. I really want to perserve like you would if you will still here. 一路好走，朋友!!!

男孩女孩

I came across this as I browsed through my blog entries:

每个男孩都曾是地狱的恶魔，当遇到自己喜欢的女孩时，便会动心，于是变为凡人。 所以女孩一定不要辜负男孩，不然男孩又要回到地狱。

每个女孩都曾是无泪的天使，当遇到自己喜欢的男孩时，便会流泪，于是变成凡人。所以男孩一定不要辜负女孩，因为女孩为你放弃了整个天堂!

It's Really Luck!!!

I wish I had voiced out my preferences when I was given a chance then. I gave it up and now I am in such deep s***.

That day I left my handphone on the desk, and left office to go for my Japanese class. On my way, I then realised I forgot my handphone. I called back using the phone of my colleague. My boss picked up. I told her that I think I left my phone in office. Guess what she said?!?! She questioned me in an impatient tone, "So what do you want me to do?"

I am sure if the same thing happen to you, you won't expect me to say that in your face. I don't see what's the big deal for you to get so frustrated.

The next day you can even treat it as nothing has happened. You didn't even bother telling me that my other colleague has safekept for me.

That same day that I got back to office. I was even more angry that you can make everything seems my fault AGAIN. Not once, not twice, but it's the million times you did that again.

You did a deal in the morning without telling me. You expect me to decipher that "please help me print another copy and i'm going to bring it to the customer" as "i'm going to get the documents today, as we've done the deal today". I am not as SMART as you to know that the two sentences are synonymous. And you could have obtained the papers earlier so that you can do the deal anytime.

Now you make it that nobody likes to talk to you. I have to be the bad guy and I've to stand your scolding because I've no idea what you've done. The more I don't understand why you need to make 3 calls and still come back office to scold me AGAIN. You only know how to put the blame on others. No wonder nobody likes to talk to you.

I have to act happy during the evening while we having our team dinner. You would never have know how upset you've made me. But because of you, I got the motivation to finish editing my resume over the weekend. No matter how bad the market is, I know I won't be able to tolerate you for any longer.

I can never be as "ATAS" as you. I can't buy LV and still complain that Kate Spade can't never compare to the LV bags. I can't drink Starbucks everyday like you do. At least I know my money is well-spent on trips, that I can enhance my knowledge in the long run. How would buying an LV or Kate Spade makes you any smarter?!?!

P.S. Sorry to those who are LV or Kate Spade fans but I really don't see how it makes you look smarter.

Truth of Life

Golden advice from a buddy:

"Life is like a stage play, stage play is like life, just that sometimes in life, there isn't 'Take 2'."

Harsh Environment

Perhaps my last blog entries may sound scary - 'friend is foe & foe is friend".

Once you acknowledged a group of people into your "circle", you are considered "ONE OF THEM". Be it good or bad. You seem to be labeled just because of the group you are in. Is that BRANDING? Does an opinion of a person be seen as the opinion of another?

Someone once told me that isn't it good to find your own "clique". Perhaps one or two people, or a group of them who share common beliefs and thinking.

Well, I guess it depends on how you think it. To some, they see it as a good thing; to others, they might look it in a bad way. To many people, they simply love to classify things, and people. They like to generalise everything they see, touch, smell, taste and hear. GENERALISATION.

Trouble Times

The market has been so volatile these days. Everything is the same kind of news regarding the market. The fall of Lehman Brothers. The merger & acquisitions going around in the U.S. The bailouts coming from the Central Banks in Europe & U.S. It's a domino effect. When would this be the end?

No matter how much actions going around me, work is still pretty much the same for me. Sometimes I feel that I am getting so used to all the nonsense at work. At times I am really pissed off by the comments and actions of people.

Perhaps I am not an easy-going person to get along afterall. I don't like the feeling of not knowing who are your foe and friend a work. Life is indeed better when you're a student. No politics. You don't have to learn how to grow up at the harsher environment. Now things haven't changed much, but inside me I think I've adapted to accept that the world around me now is like this. A place where your enemy is your closest friend. Make your friends close, but make your enemies closer. That's just the way life is.

Almost 2 months...

It's almost 2 months since I last updated this blog. I guess those friends of mine who used to frequent this blog would have forgotten that this blog still exists.

Many things have happened over the 2 months. My eventful trip to NYC & Toronto. A job interview that offered an opportunity that I had hope for 5 years ago. Perhaps if it's not yours, it's not yours. I must learn to face reality. I must appreciate what my capabilities are and are not.

I certainly wish to get out from where I am now in less than a year's time. I really can't stand Ms. J. She's pissing me off at times. She never listens. And because she doesn't listen, she claims that you didn't tell her beforrehand. She put blames on you intentionally, making you feel bad. Perhaps I don't have her "common sense" but I think she ought to give people some respect. Not only does she not praise you when you do well, she makes sure you remember her scolding. I really don't think I can tolerate her for too long. That's the main reason why I am planning to leave.

Of course, the other reason is I don't know if where I am now is where I belong. i don't feel a sense of belongings here. Perhaps I don't think I have the capabilities required in this role.

Well, time for a chance soon!!! Counting down to Dec first if I survive all these crap!!!

Trip To NYC & Toronto

I really can't wait to head to NYC and Toronto!!!

It's been such crazy weeks. I am rushing to finish up reports to the "internal customers" so as to provide the facilities for my "external customers". I have no idea how I am supposed to finish in time.

Now I really wish August would come soon. I need a break to rest my minds and enjoy myself. My last overseas trip was in late Jan (if you discount the frequent trips to JB in Jun). I think it's time for me to recharge my whole body...

The Unknown Ahead

I have been so shagged these days after work that I rarely come online. I normally go straight to bed after only some TV shows. I also never head out after work these days. Honestly, I have no idea why I am so tired.

Recently, I also been thinking whether I've chosen the right career path. Studying part-time is ok. However, I am certainly not those very academic kind to do research at university. Nor am I super ambitious. I am not a born leader. Yet, at times we have to choose what's best for us and what we are good at. I am once again at a crossroads if I am suitable for my current role. Or should I go into a position that allows me the chance to travel or some jobs that do not require to reach sales quota?

There was an opportunity of job transfer to the research department. I couldn't leave my job as of now. I am not sure if I have made the right decision. I probably won't know till few years from now...

24nd Birthday

Thank you all for the cake, flowers, and gifts! Thank you for meeting me to celebrate my birthday too! I am really thankful that you for remembering my birthday and making my 24nd birthday realise that I am very fortunate to have friends around me. There are a few friends whose sincerity touches my heart. I wish I could remember their birthday as clearly as they could remember me. However, I am really forgetful when it comes to numbers. Sorry! And sorry for the late thank you!